It’s a weird thing when you know change is coming or that it just started happening. It is when I feel myself tighten up, kick against the pricks, and trying to stop moving. It is so interesting because usually change is such a good thing and it propels one forward- there is growth and opening new windows, and yet it feels so foreign. Although everything is always in a constant state of flux, some is more drastic than others. I feel like lots of changes have commenced or are coming and I don’t like it. For me here are a couple of changes happening or changes on the rise.
1- Parenting change. In the Fall, all of our kids will be in school, they can all read, they are independent with lots of things and there is no longer the needy babies or toddlers that used to rule my life. In one way it is freeing and amazing to see these little kids learn so much. In another way, I miss snuggling and taking a nap with them, reading them stories and looking for the “firsts” in their lives. Now they all have opinions that they are not afraid to share. It is definitely a transition. Now it is about navigating “grown up” feelings and helping them to build confidence in making their own decisions.
2- This goes along with the first, but I felt like I was pretty good with toddlers. I loved to see them learn and to have the lights go on with each of my kids as they have mastered reading. I loved teaching them preschool and tailoring each year specifically to an individual kid for that year. They are all so different and it was fun to explore and to see them gravitate towards their likes. I learned a lot about each of my kids and their learning styles and it has helped me when advocating for them at school for specific things. Now I will be a step removed from most of their “school” learning. What am I good for now? Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of things I can do, but that phase is behind me.
3- Realizing that I need to take more responsibility for how I feel. This is loaded, I don’t want to delve into it, but it is all about navigating those “grown up” feelings for myself as well. Emotions are not as black as white as we hope they are.
4- Repentance and forgiveness is a mighty change of heart. I am learning to put myself aside and try to willingly take Christ’s hand for Him to pull me up. Like Peter when he asks Christ if he can walk on water. Peter gets out of the boat and does walk on water but when he takes his focus off of Christ and starts fearing the raging world around him, Peter starts to sink. What does Peter do? He calls out for Christ and IMMEDIATELY Christ takes Peter’s hand and steadies him. I am learning that calling out for help is sometimes the hardest part of it all. Especially for me, I try and do it on my own and I am trying to find that sweet spot of doing all that I can AND calling out for help before I sink. It is a constant re-evaluating with my relationship with God and trying to become more dependent on Him. It is a hard, time consuming WORK!
There is lots more going on with all of us, isn’t there. A few weeks ago, I was on the verge of sleep when I popped out of bed and wrote down the lyrics to a song from Disney’s Pocahontas. It seemed so random at the time, but it was a great way for God to ease me into all the change.
What I love most
about rivers is
You can’t step in the same river twice
The water’s always changing, always flowing
But people, I
guess, can’t live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What’s around the river bend
Waiting just around the river bend…
I look once more just around the river bend
Beyond the shore somewhere past the sea
Don’t know what for why do all my dreams extend
Just around the river bend, just around the river bend
So what is around the river bend? I just have to take one step at a time and find out!