Watching

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This week of motherhood has been a huge learning curve.  Last week my daughter got sick, I am not going to go into details, but it is not something that just goes away over night.  It is going to be something that we deal with all the time.  There is a family tendency towards it, but every person is different.  And it is hard.

It is not that her condition is necessarily hard to diagnose and there are things to help, but it is basically try and fail and try and fail and try and make progress and the pattern repeats.  You know what the hardest part is, though?  Watching your child suffer.  It is hard to see my daughter wrench in pain, scream because it hurts, and not be able to do ANYTHING about it.  At times I feel worthless.  All I can do sometimes is just give her a hug and tell her to calm down.  But you know what I want to do?

I just want to take it away and have my happy girl back.

I am sure that is what Heavenly Father feels like at times with me and probably every one of us.  I know that He doesn’t like to see us in pain, but that it is part of our learning curve.  I am sure that He longs to take away our pain, sorrow, and heart ache, but knows that it will teach us so much more then just taking it away.  I also know that He has given me a hug and told me to calm down.  Sometimes it comes in the form of another person who is being His hands, and sometimes it comes as a feeling in my heart.  He never leaves me, unless I turn away.

I plan to be there for my daughter, and know that Heavenly Father is there right now for her and for me.  Sometimes it doesn’t make it any easier, but I am so glad I don’t have to do this parenting thing alone.  I always have someone to turn to and I always can talk to Him, in prayer.  If you didn’t know, prayer is power.  Literally, prayer is power!

My prayers are for my daughter and for ways to be able to help her.  And I know that there will be many hugs for both of us.

The blurry truth

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Let me tell you, it has been one of those weeks.  We have had sick kids, sick parents, doctor visits, an Insta-Care visit, an ER visit, and flu shots (and a side note: one of the worst things ever is to wake up at some crazy time to a kid that has thrown up everywhere and you don’t even know where to start cleaning up).  And at school drop off one day, a 15 passenger van hit our van (her name is Silver, just so you know!).

It was just a normal drop off, like any other, but not.  We were in line to go to the drop off location, but not moving at all.  There was a 15 passenger van in front of us full of daycare kids.  The 15 van let out kids right then and instead of just waiting, reversed to turn down a different aisle in the parking lot.  Well, you guess it, reversed right into Silver.  I was shocked, but was able to somehow honk, more than once.  I pulled into the aisle after the 15 van and pulled into a parking spot, thinking that the 15 van would do the same.  I was totally shocked.  My kids were totally shocked.  But the 15 van didn’t stop, just turned and left.

WHAT???!!!!!

Well, my 6-year-old was concerned about Silver and so she walked around and checked her out, which Silver was just fine.  My 4-year-old, previous to leaving for school drop off, said his tummy felt funny (he was the one that threw up everywhere) and refused to take a “barf bucket” just in case.  So, he is cuddling in his booster with two blankets shivering and saying that he is okay.  My 2-year-old is just being quiet and cute wearing her bright pink sunglasses.  Everyone was okay, Silver was okay and my 6 year old is like, “ok, I am going to go get in line now!” My reply, “I am going to walk you through the parking lot.” She was not happy that I was doing that but she relented.  So I got back in Silver and sat there, still in disbelief.

I was still in my jammies, hadn’t brushed my hair, and I hadn’t even brushed my teeth (although all my kids were dressed and had brushed teeth).  What do I do now?  I just sat there a little longer, realizing that the other person didn’t have the decency to pull over.  Can’t people do the right thing?  Maybe she didn’t feel the big bump?  Maybe that huge van just feels big and bulky ALL the time.  The 15 van was full of other kids, I was hoping that they were all okay.

As we got home, I just couldn’t stop thinking how I didn’t want to file an insurance claim at all, I just wanted the driver to acknowledge that something happened.  I googled minor car accidents and found a lot of websites that offered “10 easy steps to follow when in a minor car accident.” Two of the steps caught my eye, 1- never say you’re sorry and 2- never admit fault.  I see where these are coming from, from a legal stand point, but it dawned on me that maybe we choose not to do the “right” thing, because the right thing is more of a “blurry” right.

What if you know it was you and it was your fault?  That isn’t blurry at all, the window is clear, not covered in rain.  Then my thoughts turned to the driver of the 15 van.  I know taking care of kids is hard, and driving anywhere with just my three is sometimes enough to drive you crazy, I can’t image a 15 passenger van full of them.  I am sure she is over worked, underpaid, and sometimes doesn’t want to go to work.  School drop off is just another part of her day…but I hope that she realized that she is an asset to those kids.  She is entrusted for caring for them.  I know it is probably hard for some of those parents to have their kids in daycare and to let others take their kids to school, care for them, and show them love.

So, I don’t really care about Silver, she is a piece of metal that we just hope lasts a little while longer, BUT I care about all those kids.  Remember, driver of 15 van, that they trust you and are counting on you to keep them safe.  I hope that you can help teach them that doing the right things doesn’t have to be blurry, it is your choice to do the right thing, even when it is hard.