The Difference

Sometimes I wonder if I matter.  With so many people are earth, how could I possibly make a difference in anything.  I have thought about this A LOT through the years because I feel like sometimes we are always told that we are special or that we were put in places to do the most good.  Well, sometimes I don’t feel like that at all.  I don’t feel special sometimes because I know lots other people that could do what I am doing and do it better. I recognize that this is a huge trigger point for me and when I am feeling this way, I know that Satan doesn’t want me to dig out of the hole.  BUT, this week my mind has changed for the better.

First, a man I looked up to, admired, and loved died this week.  He was an example of true love for family and for reaching out to people.  He reached out and has since changed my family because of his willingness to include and love those around him.  He is a champion for his family and will be forever.  As I attended his funeral, I looked around at the people and tried to think about how he affected each one of those people.  He was just one person, but he made a difference for hundreds.  Heaven is a better place with my friend, Joe.

This week they also found the body of Annie Schmidt.  As I was thinking about why this affected me so much, my mind jumped to this fact…she was just one person but hundreds, if not thousands, were looking for her, praying for her and her family was aching without her.  All of those people that looked for her on that mountain came because Annie made a difference to them.  She was just one person, but has touched many around her.

So, do I make a difference?  I know that I make an immediate difference in the lives of 4 people every day.  My husband probably would just eat frozen burritos every day, if I weren’t around and the love that I have for my kids is more than I can express with words and I know they feel it.  Like I said before though, I didn’t always feel like I was making a difference.  Growing up I was painfully aware of my shortcomings and would shy away from things and always focus on what was “wrong” about me or what I “needed” to do better.  I was never smart enough, pretty enough, popular enough, outgoing enough, or anything enough.  So, to all of those people who put up with me, thanks.  Thanks to my parents (who still put up with me), my siblings (who still put up with me), my neighbors, my high school friends, my college roommates, my mission companions, and many more roommates along the way.  You made a difference to me.  You collectively are many, but individually you made the difference for me one-on-one.  So, yes I do matter, I do make a difference, as small as it may seem.  Sometimes it takes a long time to see that you did make a difference (insert parenthood), but I am grateful for all of you along the way. And I am grateful to make a difference in the lives of those four important people.

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Yes, I still struggle with feeling that I am never good enough and the rest of the blah, blah, blah…but I can choose to reach out and include people, to help people, to serve them, to make them some rolls, and to be there for others when many times I felt there was not anyone physically there for me.  I can choose to be a better person by giving of myself and sharing and giving what I have, even if it is a hug or a smile.

So, remember….YOU make a difference, you make the difference.

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